Best Friends

I have two best friends, Sam and Lizzy. Lizzy is the one who doesn't care that I cuss, and knows everything about me... she can predict exactly what I'm going to do next and she's exactly right every single time. I do the same thing with her. I talk to her about everything, but its hard to do that when she STILL hasn't gotten her cell phone back (its been since July now). She doesn't judge me on who I'm friends with or who I care about, and she understands everything I'm going with with my mom. I love Sam to death. But sometimes she just REALLY peeves me off. I've been slapped over the head several times for cussing (or I had a lunchbow thrown at my head), and today she just... downright judged me. She gets everything she wants, I always am nice to her, encouraging her when she gets something she's always wanted (like Tim for example). I'm NOTHING but the best friend I could be to her. And what do I get? BULLSHIT! She hates someone who is a good friend of mine, and judges them too much for their actions in the past. She can never forgive my friend, your friend is bad news, I hate it when you talk about them.... bleh bleh bleh. You know what Sam? I don't care anymore. Judge him all you want but I know him, he's not bad and he's not a giant screwup. Everyone makes mistakes, and she just can't get over anything. Right now I just want to scream and yell at her, because she bitches about how I'm so stupid and how I shouldn't be talking to my friend. Guess what Sam? DEAL WITH IT! You can go shopping every weekend and afford a 350$ prom dress. You can get new shoes and nice jewelry every week. I CAN'T. People can change whether you want them to or not.... Damn her....

I Hate Prom...

So last night, I went to hang out with a bunch of my friends to go see the Unborn and eat. Well, let's just say they made fun of me constantly, and now I need a damn new prom date just to make them happy. I don't wanna be teased constantly for going with a guy they hate, but that I don't enjoy much either. I don't know why I even said yes, when I know I wouldn't have any fun with him. All of them are literally BEGGING for me to get a new one and I have no idea who I would go with at my school. Seriously... God I wish prom would just die...

Can't Look Her in the Eyes

My mother.... there are so many words I could use to describe her... slut, liar, manipulator, stupid, ironic, etc. She disgusts me, every time I'm near her my body will just shut down, and I understand what its like to be one of those old Roman sculptures. Frozen forever in time, trapped, unable to move or to express emotion. She tries to talk to me, to get something out of my mouth, but like those statues, my mouth is immobile, my lips carved in the same shape, almost as if I would never be able to smile again. She hurt me, worse then anyone has ever done, worse than any guy or friend. And worst of all, she was my role model, the one I looked up to more than anyone, and in just a few minutes, she shattered my entire world... Everything I thought I was, everything I'd ever believed about her was always and ultimately an utter and horrible lie. She has severed any relationship I can have with her, even when I tried to make an effort, she struck them all down, trying to pull me back into that ever twisting web of lies, a web I had barely gotten out of with my soul intact. In my heart, there will always be a piece of the hurt she caused me, and she has forever changed me. I won't fall for anymore of those liars tricks, and I won't be like her... Never... I couldn't just leave my husband and kids... just leave and never come back... I am protected in my pain, knowing that as long as I sit and think and dwell on it, I won't ever let her back in. Unforgiveness is my shelter, and it fuels my hate just enough to keep me from falling, falling, into her life again. I still live, I still go on, but I don't have a mom in my life, no one to tell my events at school that day, no one to ask if my makeup looks good, no one to tells me if my outfit is ugly... But even though I miss having a woman around sometimes, I don't miss her at all. not one little bit... I never thought any dislike I possessed could ever be that deep... I can't look in those eyes...

What to do?

So I'm new to the world of blogging, and I guess this is a place to write what you feel freely and hopefully without judgment. I don't know what to write just yet, because inspiration comes at the most random moments, and you never know when those moments will be. Plus I'm only doing this to keep Ben entertained so, here's to trying to blog! *toast*