Can't Look Her in the Eyes

My mother.... there are so many words I could use to describe her... slut, liar, manipulator, stupid, ironic, etc. She disgusts me, every time I'm near her my body will just shut down, and I understand what its like to be one of those old Roman sculptures. Frozen forever in time, trapped, unable to move or to express emotion. She tries to talk to me, to get something out of my mouth, but like those statues, my mouth is immobile, my lips carved in the same shape, almost as if I would never be able to smile again. She hurt me, worse then anyone has ever done, worse than any guy or friend. And worst of all, she was my role model, the one I looked up to more than anyone, and in just a few minutes, she shattered my entire world... Everything I thought I was, everything I'd ever believed about her was always and ultimately an utter and horrible lie. She has severed any relationship I can have with her, even when I tried to make an effort, she struck them all down, trying to pull me back into that ever twisting web of lies, a web I had barely gotten out of with my soul intact. In my heart, there will always be a piece of the hurt she caused me, and she has forever changed me. I won't fall for anymore of those liars tricks, and I won't be like her... Never... I couldn't just leave my husband and kids... just leave and never come back... I am protected in my pain, knowing that as long as I sit and think and dwell on it, I won't ever let her back in. Unforgiveness is my shelter, and it fuels my hate just enough to keep me from falling, falling, into her life again. I still live, I still go on, but I don't have a mom in my life, no one to tell my events at school that day, no one to ask if my makeup looks good, no one to tells me if my outfit is ugly... But even though I miss having a woman around sometimes, I don't miss her at all. not one little bit... I never thought any dislike I possessed could ever be that deep... I can't look in those eyes...